Kids tuning you out? Try this simple trick!
“Dinner will be ready soon, can you please turn off the TV and come to the table?”
[…crickets…]
“Did you hear me?”
[…more silence, or maybe a half-hearted “uhh”…]
“Come to dinner NOW!!” (grabs remote and turns it off mid-show)
“Moooommm!!! I was watching thaaat!!!”
Cue argument – and probably not for the first time today. Why is it that kids have such a hard time hearing us when they’re focused on something, whether it’s a screen, a game, or something they’re playing with?
It’s because their brains are in a different world.
Screens have an almost hypnotic effect on our brains – the images, music, and story lines lull us into a peaceful state, causing our brains to release the feel-good hormone dopamine. Similarly, when we’re immersed in an enjoyable activity, such as reading, creating, listening to a podcast, building with LEGOS (for a kid… or maybe you too!), we experience the calm of being in a flow state. Getting yanked out of this state is jarring and unpleasant, as the dopamine is abruptly shut off and your vision is filled with an angry, yelling, remote-wielding mom instead. Who wouldn’t protest at that transition?
We often expect kids to seamlessly switch tasks without a fight: we’re already in a productive state and assume that they can jump right in as well. That would be like if you were relaxing on the beach, soaking in the warmth of the sun and absorbed in a good book, and suddenly someone ran up to you and insisted that you come jogging with them RIGHT NOW. Not that you necessarily hate jogging, but you’d need a minute to switch gears. You might feel annoyed at the intrusion, even if you had agreed earlier that you would go with them. You might even grumble, “give me a minute, geesh!” under your breath – and who would blame you? Yet, we make the same types of demands on our kids’ attention all the time, then reprimand them for dragging their feet, protesting, or getting irritated with us.
But I know: meals need to be eaten, shoes must be put on feet, and those teeth aren’t going to brush themselves, so what do we do? Luckily, there’s a better way to engage our kids’ attention and get their cooperation.
To help our kids make the transition from flow state to productive state, it helps to build a bridge to ease the crossing. Psychologist Isabelle Filliozat created a simple method for doing this:
1. Sit down with your child and simply watch what they’re doing for thirty seconds or so. Don’t talk to them yet, just let your physical presence register with their brain for a moment.
2. Ask a simple question about what’s going on, either on the screen or with whatever they’re making/reading/doing. It could be, “What’s that character’s name again?” “What chapter are you on now?” or “How did you get those pieces to stay together like that?” By entering their world – while also engaging their thinking brain – you’re gently bringing their awareness back to the “regular world” without causing a jarring shift.
3. You’ve already built the bridge to help them move out of the dopamine-producing state, so now you can gently remind them that dinner is in a few minutes and it’s time to clean up, or whatever you need them to do next.
You can also try lightly touching your child as you ask a question, to further draw their attention toward you. The key is to avoid an abrupt transition, which can feel almost like a slap in the face (neurologically speaking) if their dopamine levels drop suddenly.
Studies have also shown that “attention reside” – the attention that get gets “stuck” to an activity or project when you have to shift to something else – reduces your ability to focus on a new task. It also increases irritability and stress, especially as we continue to jump between activities throughout the day. If you’re able to wait until your child has finished what they’re working on, it will be easier for them to shift their full focus to your request (and will also help lengthen their attention span if they’re habitually allowed opportunities to deeply engage with one activity at a time).
These tips won’t guarantee that your kids will always listen when you ask them to do something, but they will hopefully help reduce some of the friction between transitions – and maybe even avoid a few TV blowups this week!
