Is it Postpartum Anxiety, or are you Highly Sensitive?

It was a few months after my second son was born, and I was struggling… big time. Like, crouched on the kitchen floor, sweaty, shaking, and crying, brought to my knees by the totally normal lunchtime hustle with two kids. Yes, it’s annoying when you’re hungry and tired and your toddler is whining, “I want the purple jelly NOT the red jelly!” and your newborn is starting to fuss in the other room, but it’s not usually something that would trigger a panic attack. I pressed my face against the cabinets and thought, “Something is seriously off. Is this what postpartum anxiety feels like? I don’t know what’s going on here!”

Here’s the real kicker though: I’m a licensed professional counselor. I thought I would be able to recognize the symptoms of postpartum depression and anxiety, but this wasn’t what I expected. On top of that, I didn’t really have any of the “typical” risk factors: I have a great support network and a very involved partner, and I had a totally normal pregnancy and delivery. My baby was eating and sleeping fairly well for his age, so I couldn’t blame colic or severe sleep deprivation for this increasing anxiety and anger. Also, when things were calm, I felt totally fine – joyful, even.

But when things got chaotic (which, with a toddler and a newborn, wasn’t an infrequent occurrence) I totally lost it. I didn’t have any frame for understanding my struggles aside from what I knew about postpartum anxiety and depression, so I assumed that’s what was going on. I knew I was a highly sensitive person, but my poor sleep-deprived brain hadn’t yet made the connection between the chronic overstimulation of early parenting and the tidal waves of emotional flooding that were slamming into me on a daily basis.

Here were the five main struggles I encountered as a newly postpartum sensitive mom:

1. Extreme reactions to normal stressors

Because I was living in a chronic state of overstimulation, even a small spike in stress (the baby crying, trying to get everyone dressed to go to the doctor’s office, getting lunch ready for all the cranky humans) sent me into the red zone. I’d panic, thinking, “if I don’t get out of here RIGHT NOW I am going to totally lose it!” Often my physical response was way out of proportion to my thoughts. I could cognitively recognize that what was happening wasn’t all that stressful, but my body was responding like it was in actual danger due to the stress hormones flooding my brain.

2. Rage and irritability

When I got triggered but couldn’t take a break from my kids (which was often, because hello parenthood), I went straight from flight into fight. Makes total sense in a survival situation, but in this case the “threat” was my toddler or baby. I would lash out in an explosion of anger - yelling, slamming my hands on the counter, throwing toys into their bins - which would leave me feeling drained, shaky, and full of guilt after my adrenaline level dropped and I was in a more normal emotional state. 

3. Increased need for control

I’m a planner who thrives on routine and order, and this tendency went into full overdrive in the months following my son’s birth. As my anxiety ratcheted up, the need to control my environment skyrocketed. This is a common defense mechanism to cope with anxious feelings. But as any parent knows, newborns scoff at routines and toddlers live to create messes. Something as simple as a skipped nap or seeing my son’s toys all over the floor was enough to send me into a tailspin. Even worse was the feeling that I also had no control over this emotional response or what to do to prevent it.

4. Feelings of guilt and inadequacy

Because I often felt overwhelmed and unable to cope, I’d start thinking things like, “What if I’m not cut out for this? Am I going to totally screw up my kids? I should be grateful for this time with them rather than feeling miserable!” I didn’t feel this way all the time, but the fact that I felt this way at all made me worry that I was doing a bad job. Other people talked about how stressful it was to add a second baby to the family, but no one else seemed to be having panic attacks or rage fits every week because of it. 

5. Physical symptoms of anxiety

This emotional and mental overload was a very physical experience for me. My therapeutic approach tends to be cognitively focused, so I’m very aware of my thoughts and how they impact my emotional state. I couldn’t “think” my way out of this experience though: my body temperature would rise and I would get shaky and sweaty, my fingers and lips would start tingling, and I’d feel almost dizzy. These are all common signs of anxiety, and in my case were directly related to my nervous system being overwhelmed and exhausted rather than due to “faulty cognitions” (counselor-speak for the unhelpful things we believe or say to ourselves). 

Even as a trained mental health professional, it was so easy to confuse the symptoms of postpartum depression with HSP-triggered anxiety. In my case, I found a therapist who helped me connect the dots to see how my panic attacks and rage followed periods of increased stress and stimulation. It was a major “ah ha!” moment – and sobering to recognize how vulnerable I was when I wasn’t taking proper care of my sensitive system.

If you have young kids and are experiencing something similar but you aren’t quite sure if it’s postpartum depression, anxiety, or something else, definitely reach out and find someone to talk to. I believe that if I hadn’t gotten help when I did, my symptoms would have worsened significantly. Highly sensitive parents have so many wonderful strengths, but we’re also more susceptible to anxiety and depression if we aren’t practicing good self-care and honoring our own needs and limits.

If you’re experiencing any of these symptoms or just need some extra support, please reach out and I can connect you to someone who can help - we’re in this together, mama!