Peace in the Midst of Uncertainty
“We’re fine, all things considered, but…”
“I know things could be so much worse, but…”
“I’m so ready for this to be over. I mean we’re handling it okay, but…”
All things I’ve heard from friends or said myself over the past few weeks. “We’re fine, but…” But what? How do we finish that thought?
This experience is full of contradictions, which makes it so hard to describe in a way that makes sense.
I’m overwhelmed but totally bored.
It’s terrifying but also tedious.
I’m coping and pulling together and staying positive, but five minutes later I want to scream and cry and throw something against the wall.
I want to do something crazy and drastic to shake things up, but I also just want to take a nap.
Personally, I’ve started several home renovation projects that I have zero chance of finishing (due to the lack of free time, childcare, or ability to get supplies), saved dozens of photos of alarmingly large tattoos on Pinterest, and actually gave myself a haircut the other day (with layers!!). I’ve lost my temper more times than I can count, got teary-eyed just looking at my baby’s toes the other day, and have developed the eating habits of a teenage boy. Rational thinking and self-discipline require energy, and I’m running dangerously low on all of those lately. Impulse and comfort rule the day.
In general, we humans don’t do well with uncertainty. We hate not knowing. We look at the train wreck because our curiosity for answers outweighs our fear of suffering. We’re all stuck in this terrible unknowing, and we’re railing against it – bouncing between resistance (“This isn’t fair! They can’t expect us to do this!”) to resignation and despair (“I can’t possibly keep this up – it’s completely unsustainable.”) to acceptance (“I have a routine and a plan. We have food and we’re safe – this isn’t that bad.”) and back again. It’s terrible and it’s doable and it’s the reality we’re living right now.
Have you ever undergone medical testing for something that might be nothing, or it might be serious and life-altering? Maybe you found a lump, or your levels were off, or something just wasn’t quite right. The doctors weren’t exactly worried… but they said “just to be safe, we’re going to run some tests.” Do you remember the feeling while you waited for the results? The awful limbo between knowing and not-knowing, when you desperately wished to rewind back to totally normal or fast forward to whatever was coming – even if it was bad news. You might have even thought, “Anything is better than this waiting!”
Why is it so hard to not know? It’s because our brains go into survival mode and start planning for the what-ifs, which emotionally catapults us into all the emotions of the Worst-Case Scenario – as if it has already happened. Yet because it hasn’t yet, we have no control over the situation. We’re stuck with all the feelings and none of the agency. Emotionally, it’s a hellish place to be. Sounds pretty familiar right now, doesn’t it?
I don’t have any easy answers for you – sorry to say, but we therapists are stuck in the same soup as everyone else. I do know that you need to be gentle with yourself. Adjust your expectations and allow yourself to be confused, out-of-sorts, emotional, irritable, bored, or even grateful right now. Emotions are never bad, and resisting or denying our feelings (or worse, berating ourselves and adding guilt and shame to the mix) only compounds the problem. Focus on what you can control – the flow of your day, the time you go to bed, the choice to stay home to help keep others safe, how often you check the news – and try to let the rest go for a while.
Discomfort usually alerts us to something that needs to change, which is why we squirm and thrash and rebel against it. But in this case, there’s not much we can do to alleviate our pain. Allow yourself to stop fighting for a moment – relax in the knowledge that you are having a totally normal response to a completely abnormal situation. We are strong and capable, and we are also human and struggling. We’re doing the best we can, and that’s enough right now.
